Beyond Mars and Venus

World-renowned relationship expert John Gray shares simple concepts on how to improve your quality of life and be happier. As a result of this article, you will receive tips that you can immediately apply in your daily life.

People want a romantic passion for a lifetime.

They are dreaming of a partner who adores, loves them, who have no complaints, whom they have fantastic sex. But many of them have given up on that thought because they don't know how to achieve it. They are using out of date skills. To understand how to have romance and understanding in a relationship, we need to up-level these skills and start having a conversation.

It is essential to know how to open your heart, how to find forgiveness, better communication skills, kindness, compassion, healing our hearts, and letting off all pain. It's important to have relationship skills because when you don't know what to do, and you don't understand what's going on, your relationship is not working. You will end up in a situation where you are a bit of a fight or flight reaction, and then old traumas repeat again and again.

When you are in the final flight, you are not using the front part of the brain where you are capable of experiencing compassion, empathy, or hearing. It will be the opposite.

Talking about relationships, often when couples are unhappy with each other, and they're not getting the results they want, they blame their partner most of the time. We need to apply our good logic to relationships and recognize that to get the results, accountability and responsibility are paramount. Usually in the relationships we act like little children, because there is too much emotion.

Brain science is so complicated

Brain science is so complicated, very controversial when you talk about gender differences and brain science. The differences between men and women relate to not just from our experiences but our hormones. Women's hormones are tremendously different from men's hormones. When women's hormones are out of balance, their well-being goes down—the same thing for men. Men's hormones are directly related to what they do. Women's hormones are directly associated with their relationships as a primary source of happiness and fulfillment.

Nowadays, the world has changed quite dramatically. It used to be that there were more traditional male and female roles. For example, when a couple had children and the woman stayed home, the man was the provider, and that was the dynamics. Today it is not the case. Both men and women are working. A lot of women are working doing traditional male jobs, which have to do with danger, risk, decision making, urgency, and all those other stressors. The sacrifice is for the goal.

Sometimes we feel that we get up in the morning and we go to work just because of the money. Whenever you think that you have to do something, we call it traditional male roles. Traditional female roles are when you get to do something, what you love to do, and you enjoy doing it. Not all traditional female jobs women feel, or men feel they love to do. That's how it is defined, so there are two parts of us.

As a people, we have a male and the female side. It is yin (female) and yang (male) energy. They are directly related to our heart and brain, so we have female and male hormones. All the males are primarily dependent on these masculine hormones for their well-being, and it is called testosterone. If you have been born as a male, your well-being is mainly on a hormonal level dependent upon testosterone. A depressed man always has low testosterone and high estrogen, which is the female hormone. The depressed man is passive and aggressive.

A healthy, happy man has 10-30 times more testosterone than any woman walking around the planet. If the man is aggressive in a negative way meaning that he gets angry or he is violent, his estrogen level rises, and testosterone level is going down. They become too emotional as opposed to loving. If the balance of masculine and feminine hormones is right then the man is in the flow.

Women on the other hand depend on several hormones. They are dependent on the dominance of estrogen, and for them to experience well-being, their estrogen levels need to be ten times higher than the happy men have. It is a real biological difference. Our hormones affect our brain chemistry; our brain chemistry affects our hormones. So the way we think and our attitude affects our hormones and vice versa.

One of the most powerful ways to adjust to our hormones is self-improvement techniques. There is a lack of understanding that how we relate to the world throughout our behaviors, our goals and attitudes, determines what hormones get produced.

The most powerful way for men to produce the right hormones is through their work. One of the most powerful ways to find the hormonal balance for women is through their relationships—either relationship to work, to themselves, or their partner. A most powerful way to double a woman's estrogen levels when they need to double for their well-being is through romance. Romance and passion are what most women are looking for today.

It's easy to experience passion at the very beginning of a relationship because there's another factor playing, which is a newness. The situation is new, and there are challenges and discovery, and it stimulates dopamine. Dopamine is a pleasure brain chemical, and for women, if they feel relatively safe, dopamine and estrogen levels will go up. If a man has dopamine going up and he's in a sexual relationship or romantic relationship, even in a working relationship that is non-sexual, the testosterone levels will go up.

If a man feels that there is a danger, problem, or competition, and he knows what to do, and he has the confidence, the testosterone levels will shoot up. If he has no confidence and doesn't know what to do, his testosterone goes down. If he can remain cool, calm, and collected in the face of challenge or danger, his well-being increases, and the testosterone rises.

For the men some challenges trigger a powerful fight or flight reaction, which raises a man's estrogen too high, and he becomes angry. For example, a marriage, where the wife doesn't love him, or it seems like he is failing in his job to "make her happy," and the wife is not happy. He becomes defensive, which is a reaction of being afraid, so that fight or flight occurs as they don't know what to do.

The solution to this is to learn what are the symptoms for men when female hormones are going too high, and the male hormones are low. When you see that you have to realize you are getting too feminine and no man wants to be too feminine, so it's a good motivator.

Men and women can find this flow, which happens when the masculine and feminine are in balance even in a traditional relationship where the man is the provider, and the woman is a homemaker. But also when both partners are out making money and coming home to a romantic relationship. There are ways to find balance. If you don't find the balance, the passion goes away. Back in the years, the couples got married, but they didn't sustain passion either. The men were primarily just on their male side, and women were primarily on their female side as a general idea.

If you wanted to have passion last lifetime, it is crucial to have relationship skills that help us find balance.

For example, if a woman is on her male side during the day, she feels independent, or on her own, she feels she has to do it all. Her Yang energy is stimulated. If she needs someone or depends on someone or something, her estrogen levels begin to rise, and she feels good.

When a woman has well-being, her estrogen levels in the first part of her cycle will be ten times higher than a man's. That makes him very attractive to her, that makes her very attractive to him. There is a factor that can sustain passion, which is differences. The dopamine goes up when there is newness. When there are differences in a physical level, there's an attraction.

When you get to the spiritual level of differences you don't necessarily create attraction. It's the spiritual similarities, similar values, typically need to be the same for harmony to exist. Physically, emotionally and mentally, we have differences and differences create an attraction.

The point of a relationship is someone who stimulates you to be a better person, someone who brings out the best in you. Man loving women and truly connecting with her, makes a man connect with himself and becoming more aware of his female side, but he is still masculine. When a woman loves a man, she appreciates the masculine side of her. She's embracing the masculine side of her from her female side. Loving someone who has a different polarity is a powerful tool to find balance within yourself.

When a woman is working on the male side all day long, she has a job which is very common today. Typically she is so busy, she has so many things to do, and she can't relax. It is not all women, but if they are not experiencing passion, love, and romance, they are feeling overwhelmed. Men are not feeling overwhelmed as much. When you say I have to do something, you're going to be producing testosterone. When you say I get to do something I love to do this, I enjoy this then you’re producing female hormones.

When you’ll find yourself with all the problems in your life, the inside problems, problems regarding your relationship, if you argue or blame the other one. You are no longer accountable for your side. You want to change someone else. The number one problem in relationships is that when we go out of balance of the male and female energy within us, we don't feel loved. We want to change somebody because they are not good enough the way they are. There is nothing you can do except changing yourself, not your partner. You need to try a different approach. You need to be loving. The sad thing is that many people don't know what love is.

Every time you're blaming your partner and not looking at yourself, you're in your child brain. Some might say in your "monkey brain" - the automatic reactions and your conditioned responses. They automatically happen; you don't have to act on those. You can notice them inside and then choose a better way.

The essence of beyond Mars and Venus is the recognition that our relationships have evolved. We want to express both parts of us, feminine and masculine, in different ways. We all are unique and different.

When a woman is not happy, she is too far on her male side. It doesn't feel all-natural to go back to the female side; it feels like weakness. That's because there's a judgment against the feminine side.

Men go over to the emotional side too far. And they can't get back to their male side until someone points out that they are producing too much estrogen. They will find their balance again when they produce testosterone. Women who are too far on testosterone should learn what are the behaviors that will stimulate estrogen, that they have control over.

Now apply this to relationships

For example, a woman who has been busy in the office all day and there's a lot of stress going on, she needs man's help to come back to her female side. She can do it by herself. But being in a relationship, it is more powerful. So how does a man do that? You are doing communication by asking her questions, by creating safety for her to express her emotions and her feelings and talk about problems.

Some may ask what the point of that is? If you ask questions of the woman and show interest when she's upset or stressed, and she takes time to look in deep at what she's upset about and share it - that is intimacy. That form of intimacy produces estrogen.

If a man has stress, he has too much estrogen. When he comes home, and a woman asks some questions, she asks what is bothering him, what are his emotions and feelings. All these questions produce estrogen. A woman doesn't understand that a man is different. Does he need more estrogen at that time? No. It makes him weaker. It lowers his testosterone even more and makes him more passive, and he loses the part of him, which is about solving problems. That is a huge shift in our awareness. A lot of people think that talking is the answer to everything. Sharing feelings is the answer to everything, and it's not.

For man, the masculine way of dealing with stress forgets what the issue is. He doesn't need to do anything. Just empty his mind. The problem will occur when a man is saying it to the woman that she shouldn't think about it and forget the problem. It is a masculine way to deal with the problem. You need to forget, but women, on the other hand, need to talk about it. It is about intimate feelings, not just talking. It is talking about innermost feelings, and the estrogen levels shoot up high. There are times in the month that's very important, and then there are times in the month that it is not so important. There is the time of a woman's cycle where the estrogen needs to double. If it doesn't, she will have a feeling of dissatisfaction. She starts focusing on what's not working in her life, and it continues for the rest of the month. If she gets that big burst of high estrogen doubling the estrogen, she has a sense of peace and satisfaction for the next 24-28 days. After ovulation where estrogen levels need to increase, then estrogen needs to go down. That means, depending on your partner for love is not as crucial at that time, progesterone is more important.

Progesterone as caused by social bonding, estrogen is caused by bonding with someone that you depend on for something specific. A woman can rely on her husband for money that would produce estrogen. A woman can depend on themself, so she doesn't have a big estrogen producer. So what do women depend on a man for? A new level of dependence which is called emotional dependence.

If you are unhappy, you don't know what you need. If you're trying to change your partner to be happier, you don't see what you need. What women need is to feel emotionally safe. It means to have expressed their feelings, thoughts, wishes, and wants without somebody making and labeling them crazy or not loving.

How to express yourself freely and fully with consideration of who you're talking to?

You can't expect a man to listen to a lot of complaints and just smile. You can express emotions, and you can set it up in a way that allows him to hear it, and help him to help you feel safe in expressing your emotions. Men need to feel safe, but more importantly women need to feel safe, because it allows them to produce progesterone and estrogen. Progesterone is not about depending on someone for something, but depending on yourself while interacting with others and doing things for yourself that are enjoyable and you like to do. That's going to be progesterone. If the woman has more estrogen than progesterone after ovulation, it makes her unhappy. If she has not enough estrogen on the up part of her cycle towards ovulation, low estrogen will make her miserable.

If a man takes his wife on a date and he plans a date, her estrogen shoots up. His testosterone shoots up. If the wife plans the date and he enjoys it, his estrogen goes up, and her testosterone goes up. After a while, there's no romance anymore. We should define romance in terms of hormones - man provides something for a woman and the woman likes it.

And then we come into basic relationship skills. Man can not be a mind reader. A woman's job is to know what she likes and wants and tell it to the man. Man's job is to provide, but not to control. How do you do that? You need to have a conversation. You ask what your partner likes, and you pick something for the woman. That is romance. That makes both satisfied.

If you're not happy, you aren't doing your job in the relationship correctly. You can't expect your partner to make you happy. Your partner can make you happier, but it is you who makes yourself happy.

Half of the women in the world have never had an orgasm. Sex is just as crucial as a romance, but you can't have great sex without love, not even men. The most potent estrogen stimulator is romantic soulmate, love, passion, orgasmic sex. It takes a woman to the highest level of estrogen, and it takes a man to the highest level of testosterone. That's the combination, that's the lighting.

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